The 'F' Word: Forgiveness
- restoringyourstory
- Aug 5, 2024
- 3 min read
You've been told that you must forgive someone, but you don't want to. What do you do?
I've been there, on more than one occasion. The latest one was only a few weeks ago. I was struggling in my relationship with someone I've known for a long time. We've had many good moments, but there's also been some hurtful things said and done. I got to a point where I needed a safe place to express my pain. I went to someone I thought I could trust, and after only a brief few minutes, this person told me "you should just forgive them, and let it go".

Image credit: Naomi Edwards
In that moment, I felt my anger rising. "Why should I forgive? They are the one who hurt me!" Forgiveness felt like a dirty word. Like I had to accept the wrong done without question. Like I had to let them off the hook, scott free. Like what they did didn't matter, and I just had to suck it up and take it.
It really made me take a step back, and ask myself what forgiveness is. And what I found surprised me. I mean, I'd heard people say, "forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's about you" ... but what does that even mean?
I'm someone who finds it easier to understand concepts when there's a picture or action that explains it, and I came across this analogy that was so helpful to me (I can't remember who it was from or where I found it, it's not my own idea, but I have adapted it an put my own spin on it!). But rather than telling you this analogy, I'd like you to experience it.
Have a Go
Have a look around you, wherever you are right now. You might be out shopping, or sitting at your desk. You might be on public transport, or waiting for a friend. That's ok, you can do this anywhere. Look for something you can easily hold in your hand, that has a little bit of weight to it. Your phone, a water bottle or cup of coffee. It doesn't really matter what it is. Now, hold it in one hand, and extend your hand and arm to full stretch at shoulder height. Hold it there for three seconds, then put the object down and relax your arm. For most people, picking up an object like this and then putting it straight down is a fairly simple task.
But now, I want you to do the same thing - hold the object in your hand, and extend your arm and hand out at shoulder height. But this time, I want you to keep your hand and arm extended, for as long as you can. If you're anything like me, getting to one minute was a struggle. My arm felt like it was on fire, my muscles burning. What had originally been an object that was so easy to lift, quickly became a weight that was so heavy I could not hold it up any longer. I HAD to put it down.
What it Means
What I came to understand through this analogy, is that the pain others have inflicted on me is like that object. If I'm able to put it down quickly, if I'm able to deal with the fallout of whatever happened, experience the emotions, forgive myself, others, or the situation, and release it all in a short space of time, I'm able to keep moving forward in life. But if something blocks me from this process, if I'm not able to work through it, the only other options is to hold onto it. And that pain becomes a weight that tears me apart inside, it cripples me from being able to do anything else.
Forgiveness is about YOU!
It is true - forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about you.
It is choosing to put that weight down, to do other things.
It is choosing to let go of the burden, to step into the future.
It is about recognising the injustice done and refusing to be a victim any longer.
It is choosing to take power back by deciding for self what load to carry (or not carry).
It is about releasing the load of pain, guilt, shame, fear, to move into freedom.
It is about taking the pressure of what others think off, to be who you want to be.
What About You?
What is one weight you find yourself holding onto?
What is holding this weight costing you?
Are you ready to let it go?
Love that illustration about holding on to unforgiveness. I'd never heard of that analogy before and it certainly it showed me how even a "little" unforgiveness can become a heavy weight that tears me apart if I hold on to it long enough.